Because chatting about the New Year and all of its associated topical hilarity right now would be about as cliche as the average Instagram lunch photo, I've decided to fly in the face of convention and declare this a Halloween Blog Post.
Several of my friends deem me an excellent writer of erotic stories (thanks to a particularly steamy piece of Harry Potter fan fiction involving the entirety of Hogwarts and Lord Voldemort's army, set during the climatic battle scene of the final book*), so I've decided to spread my wings beyond the confines of absolutely tasteless sex writing and into the blood-stained skies of absolutely tasteless horror writing.
I occasionally read what's known as "creepypasta" on the wherever parts of the Internet. Some of it works really well. Most of it doesn't -- but then again, composing a good creepypasta requires enormous amounts of writing skill, storytelling ability and subtlety. Short on any of those? Boom, sorry, you've lost the emotional impact.
Here's a creepypasta I just wrote. Enjoy.
Your brain is about to get kicked square in the nuts. For real.
I shall start from the beginning. I was in bed earlier this evening. My room was dark so I was scared -- I thought that Slenderman would come out at any moment.
But instead of Slenderman ... it was a motherfucking alien.
It did not know that I was there ... but then a moment later, it did. As those big black eyes met mine, I felt a sudden incomprehensible sense of being dismantled, my brain falling apart like a kitten with fast-onset leprosy.
"NOOOOOO!" I said, and started to run. But it was too late. The alien had locked the door. I jumped out of the window instead.
I ran to the local park where I found the alien again. But he/she was dead because a zombie had eaten him/her. The eyes this time were filled only with horror. "There is no god," the creature said.
I shall never forget that night.
* * * * *
This diary was later found by recovery workers. It was next to a pile of blood. The blood was screaming.
Enjoy feeling creeped out. Toodles and Happy New Year.
* Spoiler alert